Midnight Screenings: The Smurfs
(Jake and Irving are in the backseat. Brad and Jillian are off camera in the front seat.) Brad: Okay, just go ahead. Jillian: You gotta say what you saw so people aren't confused. Brad: They can look at the look on their face. Irving: They can tell by our faces what the fuck we saw. Brad: You want to tell Jerrid what he was missing since he couldn't make it? Irving: Yeah, a kick to the testicles when I see him next. Fuck yeah. Enjoy your Kenny Chesney. You're not gonna have any balls left after this. Thanks a lot! Brad: What about you, Jake? Jillian: You'll have to get him out of Trace Adkins. (They laugh) Jillian: Sorry. Irving: Dammit. Jake: I just don't fucking care anymore. Brad: This movie broke you? Jake: At this point, you having me go to that fucking movie is a personal fucking insult. I'm done with- I am done with this fucking website. You take the rest of it and you shove it FIRMLY up your fuckin' ass! I am done! Brad: Now, I didn't see the movie so I didn't know it was gonna be bad. Jillian: You are the devil! Irving: Wow, really? Brad: Are you guys just pissed off cause you couldn't see it in 3D? Jake: Oh yeah. Irving: That's the only good thing about this movie! I got a three dollar rebate because I didn't have to go see it in 3D! Brad: (laughing) ''You came into our theater before yours started. Jake: Yeah, I went into Brad and Brian and Sarah. Fucking assholes were about to enjoy a very good movie that I wanted to see. Heaven fucking forbid I see a good fucking movie this goddamn summer! I'm one for fucking seven. One for fucking seven! Brad: So it was- Irving: This one takes the fucking cake. There is not a worse movie you're going to see in the next ten years. Brad: Yeah Irving: I would rather have my testicles shaved by a blind ninety year-old monk with Parkinson's! It's be a safer bet than seeing this going to see this fucking movie again. Brad: So was it worse than you guys thought it would be? Jake: I'll put it this way: I am now a fanboy of Priest. ''(They laugh) Irving: Oh goddamit. Brad: So were you guys the only ones there? Irving: No! Jake: Fuck no we weren't the only ones there! Irving: There were goddamn grown ass adults. Jillian: Not fucking? Jake: There was, like, a guy and his sons. I have my own issues with taking kids out to a midnight screening. Whatever, fuck it. There was some dude and some lady. They looked older. They sat behind me and Brian. What-the-fuck-ever. Brad; So did it have, like, the origins of the Smurfs or whatever? Jake: Alright, here's the fucking movie. Brad: Uh-huh? Jake: (Through clenched teeth) ''GOD! Jillian: (''As Brad's laughing) ''You broke him, Brad. Jake: The fucking movie involves Clumsy Smurf being a fucking idiot the entire fucking movie, tripping over everything, wooooo, so goddamn funny. He leads Hank Azaria, fucking Gargamel, to their little mushroom village, whatever the fuck it's called. He breaks through some invisible barrier and the wreak havoc so all the Smurfs run away. And Clumsy Smurf - Oh this is where it gets funny! - goes the wrong way! Because, I mean, in his defense, he didn't know because there was a couple of vines over the big red "Do Not... Go This Way" sign. So he trips over it and the other Smurfs are like, "You fucking idiot, you ran the other way!" Oh I'm sorry. "You smurfing idiot, you ran the wrong way!" Now we gotta chase this smurfing asshole all the way to smurfing New smurfing York smurfing City. Brad: And they use the word "smurf" like that? Jake: ALL THE TIME! Jillian: You should've drank every time they said "smurf." Jake: All the time! Irving: We'd be dead! We would have alcohol poisoning within the first five fucking minutes!! Brad: In place of the word "fuck" the say "smurf"? Irving: In place of the word everything! Everything! Smurfalicious! Smurftastic! Jake: This is smurfalicious. This is smurftastic. This is... there was one- Irving: This is smurfing smurfing fucking, smurfing smurfing smurfing great, smurfing smurf! Jake: Yeah. There was some other word that I can't- it was like a long word. Irving: "I smurf you." "I smurf you." Jake: Yeah, there was that. I can't even remember, I'm so mad. There was some word that was, like, "Incredulous", or something like that where they're like "InSmurfulous." They use the word "Smurf" so much, you don't honestly know what the fuck they're talking about! Brad: Marklar! Jake: Yeah exactly, Marklar. So, fucking Clumsy goes the wrong goddamn way during this blue moon harvest, whatever the fuck that is. Irving: It's their orgy. Jake: So they're running through this tunnel in the woods, whatever, and there's these big wooden planks on the top that say, "Hey you're gonna d-" or like, "Do not enter", "Danger", and the last one says, "Especially during the blue moon. Brad: Yeah? Jake: You would've thought that you're running and you look up you'd be like, "Derp, I ran the wrong way. I should turn around." No, they keep running, they go through this vortex thingy, the end up at New York City in Central Park, and they're not in smurfing smurf anymore. Irving: "We're really smurf'd now." Jake: We're up smurf creek ''(Irving joins in) ''without a paddle. Brad: Rated PG. Jake: Yeah, how the hell did this get a PG? This quite possibly could have been the filthiest children's movie... Brad: What about Gargamel? How was he? Jake: Actually in all honesty, Hank Azaria was not terrible as Gargamel, but the shit they had him saying was bad. There was one joke- Irving: He had the one joke. Jake The one, ONE joke.... Irving: The one joke. Jake: ... that we laughed at, and it was, uh, the lady from... Irving: Modern Family. Jake: Modern Family, thank you. Irving: Sofia Vergara. Jake: Yes. She's in this movie. She's Neil Patrick Harris' boss, who- Neil Patrick Harris' character was named "Patrick." Boy, they stretched on that one! Brad: That's cause the NPH was taken by another movie. Jake: So... I don't even know what I'm talking about Irving: The joke. The ten dollar joke. Jake: The ten-fifteen dollar joke was that she was, like, in this makeup business, and uh, she had this wrinkle cream. It gets rid of your fucking wrinkles or whatever. And Hank Azaria shows up and he's like, "Your potion is bad, bleh bleh bleh." And uh, like uh..., fuckin' you tell it, dude! I don't care anymore. Irving: He's like, "Her face is ugly, I'd never want to see it." And Sofia Vergara's character is like, "That's my mother." And he goes, "Oh, I feel sorry for you in thirty years." Brad: ''(unimpressed) ''What?! Irving: Literally! That's the funniest joke in this movie. Jake: That's the funniest moment in that movie. Irving: It is. We don't do it justice, or maybe it's not. Maybe at that point we were just so dumb, that we laughed at the funniest thing we could think of. But other than that... Brad: It's like when I laughed at the lawnmower in Gnomeo and Juliet? Irving: Probably. Jillian: So how much toilet humor was in this kid's movie? Brad: Was there poo? Irving: No. Jake: No. Brad: Really? Jake: There was piss. Brad: Blue? Jake: No. Brad: Oh. Jake: Hank Azaria's in this like, fancy restaurant and like, Sofia's telling him, "You can be the ruler of the world." Pbbbt, whatever. And one of the waiters is walking by with a champagne bucket. And Hank Azaria takes it, walks around the corner, takes a piss in it, hands it back to him, and is like, "Dispose of this!" Irving: "Throw it out a window!" Jake: "Throw it out a window. Bleh!" Jillian: So is Smurfette already created, or do they do, like, the creationism of Smurfette? Jake: She's already there. She's already- Brad: They don't even have an origin story? Jake: Do you need a fucking origin story for this?! Irving: They explain it in like two sentences. They're like, "Well, I was created and they helped me become the smurf that I- or the Smurfette that I really- Brad: In a thousand years, smurfs are an endangered species. Jillian: I was always pissed that when she's evil she's brunette, but then they turn her good and pretty and then she's blonde. What the fuck is up with that? ''(beat) ''That's what I take away from that. Brad: How long was the movie? Jake: An hour and... Irving: Too long? Jake: ...about 80 minutes. Brad: About 80 minutes? What kind of trailers did you get? Jake: Fuck! Arthur Christmas. Brad: Yeah, we got that last week. Jake: Fuckin' blow me. Spy Kids 4D. With smell-o-vision. I thought they got rid of that, but apparently they didn't. Brad: No way, dude. It's gonna be the best movie since uh, what, Polyester? Jake: ''(after a beat) ''I can't even laugh at that. Brad: Hahaha, you can- Wow, bro you can't even laugh at a good Johnny Waters joke? Jake: No I can't. I can't, like this literally broke me. I'm so angry I can't form words. Jillian: Right now as you're talking to him, alls he hears is, "Smurf, smurf, smurf, smurf, smurf!" Irving: Kinda sorta. Every other word out of your mouth is smurf. Brad: What's Neil Patrick Harris' role in this? Jake: Neil Patrick Harris is this workahol- It's the same recycled shit! Brad: He's playing Mr. Popper? Jake: Yes. He's a workaholic who's working for crazy Mexican lady. ... Irving: She was from Glee. Brad: Jane Lynch? Jake: No. Irving: That might actually be an interesting- Jake: Which would have made that last kiss really kinda funny. That would've been awesome! Irving: Yeah, that would've been really good. Jake: That would've been great! ... Jake: This movie was so poorly written, the could not come up with their own like, puns, I guess. So what they did was they stole the concept of seriously twelve or thirteen different movies, and the just raped them. Like, the just raped them. Irving: The didn't even change a line. At one point, the fucking Scottish character grabs the fucking wand, is flying away and he goes, "FREEDOM!" No, seriously! If nobody had made movies in the last twenty years, this movie couldn't fucking exist. Because they borrow so heavily from every other fucking movie that's ever existed in the history of man! Jillian: But kids would get that because clearly kids have seen Braveheart. Irving: Yeah! What the f- Exactly! What the f- They're borrowing from movies kids should have not seen! Braveheart... Brad: Sweet Caligula reference. Irving: No, it's ridiculous. They're rated-R movies! They're like, "Let's try to bring in people." Fuck no! The jokes are fucking stupid, and the kids aren't gonna get the references. The parents will but they're gonna go like 'ugh'. This is a movie for defeated parents whose kids have beat them down to the point where they just don't give a fuck anymore. I can understand that now. ''(He takes a breath and tries to compose himself) ... Jake: This movie was nothing! This wasn't a movie. This was like a 300 pound hairy trucker grabbed my childhood and just anally raped the hell out of it. This is what has been happening since my fucking generation finally got old enough to make movies. What are we gonna do? We're gonna do Transformers. The first one was a movie. The second one was an atrocity. The third one? Go fuck yourself, Michael Bay. If I ever see you, I will punch you in the fucking face! I swear to god. Then we got this piece of shit. Fucking Smurfs. There's just... Jillian: Cars 2? Jake: There's just- And this trend is going to continue. ... Jake: Hollywood, Katy Perry, Alan Cumming, all of them OWE ME an apology! They OWE ME ten dollars! Brad: Alan Cumming's in this? Irving: The Scottish one. Jake: The Scottish one, yes. Brad: What? Did he make a bet with someone he could make something worse than 'Son of the Mask'? Jake: Uh, yeah. And he won that bet! Brad: Well that's good. Alan Cumming got twenty bucks! Irving: I forgot. There are no poop jokes in this movie, but there are fucking cat ball jokes. And I'm talking... a cat licking his balls. That's the sophistication of the humor in this movie. And then Gargamel looks over and goes, "You want a mint after you get finished?" That's the humor throughout the entire fuckin' movie. Jake: This cat is just irritating. Jillian: Azuriel? Jake: Yes. At one point, the cat gets thrown on Hank Azaria's head and like, his ass is positioned right here, and Hank Azaria is like- Brad: (Imitates foghorn) Jake: No, he's like, "I didn't realize you were a boy." Irving: Yeah. Oh yeah. Jake: Cause apparently he's getting tea-bagged by his cat. How long has he owned this cat? And he's never realized, "Gee, I have a male cat." Jillian: Proper veterinary care. Irving: And they tried to get the cat to speak. Brad: Was it a CGI cat? Irving: Yes it is. Jillian: UGH Brad: Lovely. ... Irving: I remember the cartoon, and I don't remember it being that fucking annoying and repetitive, and grating on my soul. Brad: Well that's cause they gotta do the thing nowadays with all movies like this, where somehow they get transported to the real world... Jake: ... to the real world. I get that. Brad: Like, if they make a David the Gnome movie, it's gonna do the same fucking thing. Jillian: What'll they do to snorks? They have to be underwater. Brad: They'll fuckin' come to the present time in modern-day New York. It'll star Seth Green and... Irving: It's actually gonna be a little microcosm of a giant aquarium. A little M. Night Shyamalan twist. Yeah, you liked that one didn't ya? Jake: Fuck you. Category:Transcripts